Watch 'Find a Different Word'

Kids teach kids best. So we viewed a video made at Choate (a coeducational boarding school) which examines and challenges the use of the word gay today, (click on Find a Different Word)

After showing this video, the 6th grade boys responded by clapping and chanting, 'I'm an Ally', some 7th graders wanted to make their own video and the 8th graders talked about all their favorite TV shows and movies which are populated with interesting, intelligent, funny, edgy, gay characters.

I asked how many know gay people in their real lives. None raised a hand.

She Nails It

The TEDx talk, The Sexy Lie, by Caroline Heldman absolutely nails it.

If you are a man or a woman, a parent or a child this talk will bring clarity to all that makes your head spin.

Watch it until the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMS4VJKekW8

Knotted Orgasms

A 7^th grade boy asks, “Don’t some dads cut the tube that connects their balls to their penis so they don’t have more kids?”

“A vasectomy is sort of like that, yes," I answer.

Another boy chimes in, “Women can get their orgasms knotted, too.”

“Sorry, could you repeat that?” I ask.

This time, with gestures of wrestling with ones own bowels, he says, “Women can get their orgasms knotted so they don’t have kids… but, well... then how do they have sexual intercourse through the knots?”

The rest of the class we went on to define O words:

·      orgasm

·      organs

·      organism

·      orgy

Thus clarifying that the act of having "tubes tied" or " internal organs snipped" is different than experiencing knotted orgasms. 

Uterus Bump

I told the class of 7th grade boys to hold up a fist.

"This would be the size of your uterus if you were a girl."

Then a boy turned to his friend, fist-bumped him while cheering, "uterus-bump!" and the whole class followed.

Amidst the fist-bumping and "uterus-bump" chanting, the student offered me his fist with a "uterus-bump" hoorah!

It Came Out Brown

After mentioning the word erection in an all boys 7th grade class, the boys spontaneously offered slang terms for erection, which included some of the following: boner, stiffy, wood, woody, hard-on, hard, plank, joystick, diving-board, pork sword, tree, the man – the legend (involved pointing to self then lap), wand, magic wand, blood bank, the governor, chief of staff, home-entertainment-center, and the like. 

Then a boy asked, "What is an erection?"

I said, "Great question." Luckily he was sitting right smack in front of me and no one else overheard his question. Most 7^th grade boys know what an erection is and admitting you don’t is not so cool.

Thus, to the class, I explained that an erection-- aka boner --was a firmness caused by blood flowing into the penis and filling the cavernous tissue inside until the penis stands up erect and hard. There is no bone involved, just blood flow. 

The same boy’s hand was up again, "Can I get a drink?" 

He was white as a sheet - his cheeks, lips, and eyelids all waxy white. "Actually, could you please stay right there in your seat and put your head down towards your knees. You look pale." 

He did so, muffling to his knees and me, "I don't like blood. I didn't know about all that."

Class ended a minute later, and I asked the pale-faced student to lie on the ground while the other boys headed out.

Another student was lingering nearby pale-face and me, so I asked if he had a question.

He said, "Yes, two questions. Ah, my first question is -- my friend said he was fingering a girl and it came out brown…?"

"Well, he may have had his finger in her anus - but she probably would have let him know. Or if she was having her period it may have appeared brown - if it was dark, blood could be seen as brown," I offered.

Immediately, at the mention of blood, a groan came from pale-face on the floor.

"Ok, yeah. My next question, do girls also have sperm?" he asked.

"No, they have eggs. One is released per month.” I consciously made no mention of blood or periods for prone, pale-face’s sake. “We are going to cover female anatomy soon, this is just our second day."

Caught him in the Act

Puberty From Head to Toe in Your Teen Magazine. Ask The Parenting Expert: Masturbation and Teen Boys

Positive, Healthy Sex Lives

My mantra in every sex ed class is: "I hope you all have positive, healthy sex lives."

Students smile whenever I say this. It seems they are empowered, affirmed, or I dare say-feel safer, that an adult understands they are sexual beings.

Last week's lessons focused on debunking the 'Sex as Baseball' metaphor, per sex ed guru Deborah Roffman's advice. Thus, it was a thrilling synchronicity to see the New York Times Magazine cover story this weekend, Teach Good Sex, open with a similar examination of the one-sidedness of the 'Sex as Baseball' metaphor.

If you have not already, find time to read this NYTimes article, Teach Good Sex.

It will make you fight for your child's school to offer a Sexuality and Society course. Ideally taught by a bold English teacher.

Miss Representation

Please.

Watch this trailer.

Miss Representation

Sign up to host this documentary at your school, university, or community center.

It is a movie and message for boys and girls alike - but mostly for adult men and women.

Please.

A Numbing Reality

I asked the class of 26 8th grade boys to raise their hands if they had ever accidentally or intentionally come across pornography on the Internet. 52 hands flew up in the air without hesitation.

We discussed the prevalence of porn-sites when researching topics as benign as Malcolm X, lacrosse sticks or pets.

We discussed the barriers that used to exist if renting pornographic movies at a video store vs. the click of the mouse today.

We discussed the evolution of pornography from images that allowed one to create one's own fantasy - to today's live-stream, Internet porn which creates virtual worlds of arousal: Worlds that numb one to the reality of how we are wired to be aroused.

Then a boy asked the question I was hoping for, "Is watching pornography harmful at all?"

I answered, "Yes. And we are currently finding out just how harmful." (See article in Psychology Today about pornography induced erectile dysfunction in men "with a heavy use of today's Internet porn and increasing need for more extreme material..")

I continued,"I hope you all have positive, healthy sexual experiences in life. I hope you all are able to experience sexual intimacy in just the way Mother Nature intended: live, person to person, skin to skin, with trust, love, and respect.

Producers of pornography do not care about any of that. They are trying to hijack your sexuality by snagging your interest with more and more extreme, twisted, misogynistic material.

Research is showing too much of this stuff numbs you to being able to be aroused with a real partner in real life."

Then a student asked, "Is it OK to think about sexual stuff in our own minds?"

I cheered, "Yes! Yes! Yes! As much as you want. FILL your mind with your OWN thoughts!"

Click here for one of the best descriptions of Porn Evolution.

More Adult Version of Sex Ed

I wrote this for a Crazy Sexy Life well beyond puberty.
Posted on the site: CrazySexyLife.com

Condom Day

The 8th grade sex ed unit builds towards the last day, Condom Day, when the boys will get to open and investigate the properties of a condom.

The only guideline for Condom Day is:
At the end of class all 26 condom wrappers and all 26 condoms are returned to me.

I hand out the condoms and the room fills with joy.

Boys put them over their hands and up their arms, and over their feet and up their ankles.

One even put it over his head like a bathing cap.


They play with them like sock puppets talking with each other. One conversation went, "Hello, I see we have similar interests", while shaking condomized hands.

Some condoms tear under the gentle tug of a finger nail.

Some boys blow them up with as much air as they can muster, only to have it pop when tossed to the ceiling.

Some boys fill their condoms with water from the water fountain and tie them off.

A cluster of boys presents me with with bouquet of blown up condoms.

All the while I see boys- in the light of day- learn how to safely open, carefully un-scroll and curiously test the strength of condoms.

All in the style that boys prepare to be responsible men.


All 26 returned.

'How Sex Really Is'

I ask the students to think of sexually explicit lyrics they have heard in a song on the radio or on their iPods.
Neither their iPods or the songs are going away - so let's discuss them out loud, face to face, human to human, live.
I start things off by selecting Katy Perry's Teenage Dream - a song I have heard at least 6 trillion times driving my kids' carpool comprised of 8-12 year-olds. I share the part that goes:

Went to Cali got drunk on the beach,
found a hotel, made a fort out of sheets,
I found you , my missing puzzle piece...
I'm complete.

Let's go all the way tonight,
no regrets, just love,
we can dance until we die,
you and I will be young forever

You make me
feel like I am living a
Teenage Dream
the way you turn me on....

The students then all contribute songs and share lyrics they think are sexually suggestive. Here are some of their songs:

Rape Me
Pussy Monster
Show Me Your Genitals
Oh What a Night
Gonorrhea
I Like It
Super Freak
Lick You Like a Lollipop
I Just Had Sex
S & M
3
Suck My Dick
Don't Trust Me
Love Game
I like It
15
Birthday Sex
Sexy I Can
Rude Boy
I Love College
Superman
Tick Tock
Pretty Boy Swag
Say "Ahh"
Take It Off
T-n-T
Greenlight
I'm Going In
Crank That
Get Out The Way Bitch
FACK
Toxic
Big Booty
Bottoms Up
E=MC Vagina
Sex on Fire
Candy Shop
My Dick
Big Green Tractor
Grow a Pair
Don't Make Me Beg
Boats and Ho's
Afternoon Delight
Violent Pornography
Oh Bo
6 foot 7 foot
Baby Got Back
Touch My Body
I Want To F_ck You

During our discussion of these songs and lyrics, one 8th grader nailed the significance of this type of discussion in sex ed class. He said,...

“There are 3 categories of kids who listen to this type of music:
1) Those who don’t understand.
2) Those who understand and do not take it seriously.
3) Those who take it seriously and think that is the way life is.
I think that instead of trying to censor teenagers’ music, we should educate them about how sex really is so that they can fall into the second category.”

Chesticles

Recently a class of 6th grade boys had the chest/breast lesson. We call it the chest/ breast lesson because it is where boys/girls finally differ in our head to toe march through puberty.

I start the lesson, "Everyone has nipples, males and females. They are the part that sticks out and they have many small openings like a shower-head."

This casts class discussion off into fascinating theories about why males have nipples, too.

I continue, "The peperoni shaped area around the nipple - shaped like a target - is the areola -- plural areolae/ areolas.

This casts class discussion off into what a great scrabble word areolae is.

I continue, "Behind the areola, under your skin, in the center behind the nipple something starts to grow. At first it is the size of a tic tac, then it grows to the size of a plain m&m, a chocolate chip, or even a junior mint. This happens to all girls and about half of boys."

The class is dead silent.

"Yes, almost every pediatrician asks me to tell boys how normal it is to grow breast buds and that it will happen to nearly half of you. It is called gynecomastia in boys. These breast buds will come and go within 6- 18 months.

One boys raised his hand, "OK, I get that we call this the chest/ breast lesson so we cover the male and female anatomy. But instead of calling them 'breast buds' can we males call them 'chesticles'?"

Do Girls Drink Sperm?

In 6th grade sex ed we define sexual intercourse with proper terms and their accompanying, more often used, slang terms. This list is from one 6th grade class.

Proper term & Slang terms

Sexual intercourse = doing it, sex, the nasty, f-word, making love, making whoopie, putting his candy in her bowl, sweeping her chimney, getting funky
Kissing = making out, frenching, snogging (thank you Harry Potter)
Arousal = excited, horny, turned on, hot, randy
Erogenous zones = areas of the body wired for sexual arousal when stimulated
Erection = boner, hard-on, woody, stiffy, diving board, a johnson
Lubrication = she gets wet, she gets moist, surfs up
Virgin = someone who has not had sexual intercourse
Orgasm = the peak of sexual pleasure
Ejaculation = release of semen from the penis, to cum
Semen = white fluid and sperm, the pool and swimmers, cum
Sperm = the swimmers, dad's half
Egg = egg, mom's half

At the end of this discussion a boy asks,"You know how last week we talked about what oral sex was?"

I nod.

"Well, does that mean that girls drink sperm?"

In his mind he is putting together oral sex, orgasm, ejaculation, semen and a mouth.

I answer, "May I refer to the person as a female or a male, woman or man? A girl to me is someone your age. OK?

"A female or male whose choice it is to perform oral sex also has a choice of what to do when semen comes out of the penis. They can let it fly across the room --", I say shooting my arm towards the back of the room.

The boys erupt with soaring noises and gestures.

I continue,"Or they can choose to let the semen come out in their mouth and spit it out - or swallow it."

Boys wince and make gagging noises.

What is Oral Sex?

We had just finished reviewing our guidelines for Sexuality Education class when a sixth grade boy asked, "What is oral sex...is it when you have sex with someone and you...don't...know...their...name?"

I was about to answer him with the real definition of oral sex (and the definition of what he just described - anonymous sex, the riskiest of all behaviors), when a class mate chimed in, "No, dude, oral sex is when you talk while having sex."

Chick Flick - Dick Flick

Class: 8th grade, all boys
Goal: examine awareness around gender and labeling


"Have you heard of the term, the category, the label 'Chick Flick'?" I ask the 8th grade boys.

"Yeah, movies like Twilight, The Notebook, Dear John," a student offers.

While pointing to the yin yang symbol on the board, drawn daily to represent dependent opposites and equal gender representation in sex ed class, I ask, "Can you define 'Chick Flicks'?"

"Oh, yeah, Sex and the City, Valentines Day, P.S. I Love You - all those are made for women, female audiences."

"Have you heard of the term, the category, the label 'Dick Flicks'?" I ask, pointing to the other side of the yin yang.

"Ah, no. Is there even such thing?" a boy responds.

"The equal and opposite of 'Chick Flick' would be 'Dick Flick'-- movies made for men, males audiences. Can you think of any examples?"

Almost immediately the boys spout, "Rambo 1-7, Commando, 300, Terminator, Dirty Harry, Gladiator, Die Hard, Assassins, American Ninja, Ninja Assassin, Hurt Locker..."

I interject, "So you have heard of 'Dick Flicks'.

"No, those are just good movies."

How Do Anuses Have Sex?

In a 9th grade class at an all girls' school a student asked, “Last night I watched a documentary about AIDS and it mentioned anal sex. How do anuses have sex? ”

While asking this question she formed two “OK” symbols with her fingers then pressed them together like two round mouths kissing (see photo).

“It is confusing”, I said mimicking her hand gestures, “as if two anuses are puckering up together. But anal sex is when a man puts his erect penis up another person’s anus, either a man’s, or a woman’s.”

Gasps. Wide eyes.

“If this is happening to you or anyone you know it is a crime. It is illegal. You must tell a safe adult immediately."

“Do people really do that?” asked another girl.

“It sounds shocking, but consenting adults make all sorts of choices with their sex lives. The key is consent. They agree to do it. That goes for any sort of sexual contact. No one is ever to force you to do anything sexual, nor should you ever force anyone to do anything sexual.

“Anal sex is very risky behavior. But the answer is yes, some people do choose to have anal sex.”

A few gagging sounds.

Slang Terms for Oral Sex

During a presentation called Sex Ed for Parents: What to Say When Your Kids Ask… I offer definitions for a of number tough topics - like sexual intercourse, orgasm, prostitution, abortion, anal sex, oral sex, and the like. Then we review their slang terms.

This is important for a number of reasons:

1) It is educational
2) It is cultural
3) It is hysterical

For example:

Oral sex:
Definition - someone using their mouth to stimulate someone else’s penis or clitoris.
MALE:
Oral sex when performed on a male is fellatio, or the verb – to fellate.

Slang terms are:
Blow Job
BJ (short for blow job)
Head
Brain
Hummer
Dome
Mobile Dome (when performed on a male driver)
Road Head (when performed on a male driver)
Smoking Wood

FEMALE:
Oral sex when performed on a female is cunnilingus. I do not know the verb form of said term.

Slang terms are:
Going Down
Eating Out
Dining at the Y
Carpet munching
Eating Beaver
Beaver Munching

This list is not comprehensive, so I always ask for new terms. What other slang terms are there?

Last class one parent volunteered that she heard the term “chicken head” in reference to oral sex performed on a male. Some of us thought it sounded like a term for masturbation – “choking the chicken”. Then she moved her head like a chicken when it walks – back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. It was clear how that pumping motion made someone think of oral sex, fellatio, a BJ.

The slang term volunteered for female oral sex, by a 70+ year old, was Box Munching.

Let me know of any other terms out there. For males or females - what other terms have you heard?

First Moon

I begin explaining to the 6th grade boys, "There is a wonderful term for a girl's first period - Menarche. It sounds like the word monarchy.

"And I imagine a village of thrones for these new menarche-monarchs, filled with different sized, shaped, and elaborately draped girls who have had their first menses, their first period.

"In Greek menarche means first moon, first menstruation," I further explain.

"Then why is it called her period?" asks a 6th grade boy.

"Great question. Anyone know why?"I inquire.

"Is it because it makes a dot of red in the girl's underwear like a period dot?" a student offers, darting a dot in the air.

"That is a creative thought, but tell me this. What do we call a 7 day long period of time?"

"A week."

"Right. What do we call a 365 day long period of time?"

"A year."

"Right. From the beginning of one - to the beginning of the next is called a period of time. What is the period of time in one month?"

"28 - 31 days."

"Right. And that is the frequency, the rhythm of how often a girl's period/menstrual cycle repeats. She is in sync with the cycle of the moon. A period happens once a month just like the full moon."

"That's pretty cool" a boy in the front row reflects.

Head to Toe On Tour This Month

Puberty From Head To Toe is going on a New England Tour!

I will be presenting:
Sex Ed for Parents: What to Say When Your Kids Ask...

"What is a douche bag?"
“Were you a virgin when you got married?”
“What is ‘porn’?”
“How many holes do girls have?”

Fielding sexuality-related questions can be rattling.

Join others seeking guidance and comfort around talking to our kids about sex.
We will cover tough topics and time lines for preparatory guidance:
What to say. When to say it. How to say it.

My mission is to empower parents to continue as resources for their kids while feeling that no topic is out of bounds or off limits.

New England Schedule:
Nov. 5th Wilder, VT - closed session.
Nov. 5th in New London, NH, contact Elizabeth at: eliz.keene@gmail.com
Nov, 6th in Richmond,VT, (space limited) contact Pennie at: mrand@gmavt.net
Nov. 8th in Etna, NH, contact Pierce's Inn at: cpdoorbell@gmail.com


If you are not able to attend a session, contact me about scheduling one at:
janeesselstyn@gmail.com

 

The Universal Signal

Unit: internal female reproductive anatomy
Class: all male 7th graders
Goal: connect students to the material

"I am going to tell you a story about a seventh grade girl and her first period."

The boys settle and listen.

"The heroine of our story has started puberty.
"She is taller than many of the boys in her grade.
"She washes her hair everyday before school because she thinks it is greasy in the morning.
"She has a few annoying pimples, some of her friends have loads more and some have none.
"She is considering shaving her armpits because the hair is getting longer and darker.
"She started shaving her legs five months ago.
"She wears a regular bra to school, but changes into a jog bra for soccer practice.
"She has pubic hair on her labia and mons, the area above her pubic bone.
"She has not had a period but many of her friends have. She knows she is doomed to get hers soon because she has had a little discharge in her underwear for about 8 months.
"She has 3 really good friends who are girls - they are called the Fab Four.
"She feels joy, and a light rush inside whenever she sees or thinks about a certain boy: Steve.
"After lunch she has math, and she always sits near the Fab Four and Steve.
"Yet, on this day in math class something is distracting her and it is not Steve.
"Before class she went to the bathroom so it can't be pee. It is not a hot day - so its not like she is sweating down there. She can't figure out why she feels moisture in her labia..."
"Suddenly she knows what is going on.
"She grabs one of her friends' sweaters and ties it around her waist for fear of blood on the back of her pants.
"The teacher dismisses her and she makes her way to the bathroom. There she finds..."

As I am about to delve into what our fictitious seventh grade girl finds in the bathroom, a boy in my real seventh grade class blurts out,"So is that the Universal Signal?"

"Is what a Universal Signal?"I ask.

"When a girl wears a sweater around her waist, is it the Universal Signal that she is having a period."

"No, it is not. It is not the sort of news girls signal or broadcast about town."

Chick

In our daily review of the guidelines for sex ed class, a student produced the "No Gender Bashing" guideline and I asked him to further explain what it meant.

He said, "Don't say mean things about chicks."

I paused before responding, "What is the male equivalent of 'chick'?"

"Dude..?" he offered. His friends did not agree, nor did I.

"I am opposed to the term 'chick' for a number of reasons,"I said, then placed one hand at my collar bones and the other above my thighs and began.

"Chick is nearly always used in reference to one dimension of a female, her femaleness -- more clearly stated -- her breast, her butt, her body. Thus reducing her to her figure." My hand placements remained - framing stated area of reference.

"It makes a girl sound like a commodity, a thing, an item, not a whole being. My husband and I are raising two daughters, not two 'chicks'.

"There is no equivalent term for males. Other equally degrading terms for people of certain races, cultures, and religions exist. These terms make less of someone, reduce their fullness to something smaller.

"There is no such term for men, guys, dudes, fellas, brothers."

Role-Playing?

A student took the reins when answering the question 'What is sexual intercourse?' with his response, "The man and woman start fore-playing and role-playing..."

I immediately thought, role-playing? Really, does he mean, like, Southern Cop wearing only his holster meets French Maid-outfit-gal toting only her duster...

In this same moment I encouraged him to continue with the more widely understood foreplay description of hugging and kissing and holding and feeling each other. While also briefly mentioning that role-playing is vague, and a little harder to comprehend, especially here at age 11 and 12, when we are just trying to define what sexual intercourse is.

Later, when a faculty member asked how my class was, I wish I'd replied, 'Oh, we talked about role-playing, like - peacock feather holding, cowboy booted, handcuffs-at-the-ready role-playing.'

Instead, I gave them the truth, "We defined sexual intercourse followed by great student questions: 'What do the terms cum, cunt, douche bag and dildo mean?'"

Sex ed, Wyoming, 1980

I asked Martha to write this down because I wonder if this assignment would look similar completed by girls and boys of today, and I love her descriptive ways.

"The girls and boys were crowded into a room and introduced to my favorite animated super-hero of all time, Captain Condom, and participated in an exercise that I continue to imagine as the basis of someone’s doctoral dissertation. Divided by gender, the boys and girls were each given a six-foot long piece of butcher paper on which was drawn the outline of a human body, along with the instructions, “fill it in.” The girls were supposed to fill in a boy, and vice-versa. We girls, fueled by visions of rainbows and unicorns and Stevie Nick’s latest top 40 hit, filled our boy – his name was “Steve” - with hearts drawn in all different colors, each labeled with a different human emotion – “hate,” “love,” “fear,” “tenderness.” The boys filled in their body with boobs down to her knees and the word “PUSSY” written in shouting caps across her vagina. She didn’t get a name."

The Lobby

Unit: internal female reproductive anatomy
Class: all male 7th graders
Goal: connect students to the material

"The ovaries are important. They host and, in timely fashion, pitch-out all the eggs a female will ever have," I explain.

A boy acts out a pitching motion then mimics an exploding egg.

"Outside the ovaries are slow highways called fallopian tubes. These are essential for directing the eggs to the amazing uterus."

I pause here to teach a little call-and-response for the sacred, magical uterus."When I say 'uterus' you sing out a single, high, angelic note, "AHHH!"

"I say, 'uterus.' You say 'AHHH!'

"Uterus."

"AHHH!"

"Perfect, let's continue. It takes days for the egg to arrive at the uterus --"

"AHHH!" appropriately interrupts me.

"The uterus ("AHHH!" they sound out) is an amazing, sacred place. Life begins, life grows in the uterus ("AHHH!" they sing again). No other organ is capable of such wonder."

"At the base of the uterus ("AHHH!") is a cyclops-like protector, the cervix," I snarl giving my best one-eyed squint.

"This cyclops-like cervix tries to keep anything from getting into the sacred space of the uterus" I say -- quickly followed by "AHHH!"

I review, "So, the ovaries are egg-holders, the fallopian tubes are essential transport systems, the uterus ("AHHH!") is a life-growing sacred space, the cervix is a protector of all systems above, and there is one more..."

"Below the cervix is an expandable space, the vagina. It is an area designed to host a tampon or a penis, and miraculously a baby can come through it. It doesn't have a function like the 'egg-holder' or 'life-grower'; rather its job is to be a space." I explain.

"Can we call it 'the lobby'?" a student offers.

I try hold back a smile, but the 7th graders take off with it...

"Excuse me, where is 'the lobby'?"
"Meet you in 'the lobby' later."
"I was in 'the lobby' for a while!"
"I'll meet you both at noon in 'the lobby'."

The Unwilling Ménage à Trois

Home is the primary sexuality educator; parents start the minute their child is born. Then somewhere around middle school we sex educators join the show for 180 to 400 minutes of a student’s life. We need parents to accept us as partners for better of for worse and in sickness and in health during the sex ed unit. It is worth working on that relationship with whatever it takes: one on one conferences, small group discussions, or parent sex ed information nights. Anything to strengthen the acceptance of each other and to prevent curricular tussles.

So, just when the parents and we sex educators were getting comfortable together, along comes a powerful, seductive, tempting new player. The Internet. Having never signed up for it, we (sex educators and parents) find ourselves in an unwilling ménage à trois.

I have been teaching sex ed in varying capacities for the past two decades, which means before and after the reality of the Internet. I am finding it tricky, yet essential, to wrestle with this new bed-partner. The Internet gets (and has already had) students' time and attention for countless influential hours. As difficult or unappealing as it may sound, we sex educators and parents need to keep up.

The other day in class, when I wasn’t sure what an Alabama Hot Pocket was (I was pretty sure it was the same as a Cleveland Steamer), the student who asked said, “Oh, we can just Google it – or Google video it.”

That was crushing to hear, but it is the truth. The Internet is a game changer. It has totally changed the rules and stretched the spectrum of normal sexual behavior even further to the “fringe.” This is a reality, not a conspiracy or a battle that parents and sex educators need to face.

Conversations and questions generated by students during a sex ed class are emotional, honest and sometimes shocking. For some students, it is the first time such topics have been discussed in the presence of others. It can be challenging terrain. Yet, it is educational and essential to grapple with the words, the emotion and the reality around these topics in a safe space – be that at home or in the classroom. The screen cannot answer the way a parent or sex ed teacher would respond.

Students want to talk and learn about sex, not get freaked out by it on the Internet. This is evidenced by typical questions asked in class:

• How do you know you have lost your virginity?
• Can a man have so much sexual intercourse that he runs out of sperm?
• Can a woman drink her own breast milk if she is lost in the desert?
• Can a girl force a guy to have sex? If so, is that rape?
• Can you get pregnant from oral sex?
• What is butt sex?
• Can 8th grade girls walk around, like, squirting milk?

These questions are gold: verbalizations of internally generated curiosity. Students are constantly trying to navigate the sexual world into which they are emerging. Sex ed teachers and parents secure their status as ‘go-to-resources' by answering questions honestly and to the best of their ability.

The computer screen is not a productive resource when it comes to sex ed. It does not respond, assess interest, detect nuances, pick up on humor, offer guidance or model behavior - all of which are essential ingredients in any sex ed classroom or home.

Students' curiosity may be generated from the Internet, older siblings, movies, the news or wherever. I encourage students to bring questions to class, any questions. Any Questions. When it comes to topics of sexuality, it is key for the students to seek counsel in other human beings. If not they will seek counsel in the screen: Google, Google video, urbandictionary.com, etc. Then human sexuality becomes just another youtube video right next to the motorcycle crash or the granny who trips down the stairs.

TV and the Internet launch their curiosity to search or investigate advanced, bizarre, and twisted topics. Listed is a real sample of typical sex ed questions mixed in with media/Internet- influenced questions from sex ed class:

• What does, “Don’t drop the soap” mean?
• How do you know when it is time to kiss someone?
• Can a penis get stuck inside a woman?
• Can a man accidentally pee in her?
• What is a choad?
• If a woman has sex when she is pregnant does the baby get horny?
• What is ear sex?
• What does ‘you make me wet’ mean?
• Can a dog have sex with a human?
• Why do adults want to have sex with children?
• What is an Alaskan Fire Dragon?
• Why do women want men to poop on them?

Screen time, in a way, is an extension of “the back of the bus” conversations full of half truths that confuse and mislead adolescents. In a recent 6th grade sex ed class a student commented, “I heard that when lesbians don’t use dildos, they use gerbils.” What could generate such curiosity? I am suspicious of that disorienting third wheel, the guest that won’t leave, the Internet.

Nads

Unit: internal female reproductive anatomy
Class: all male 7th graders
Goal: keep the students connected to the material

"From the moment a girl is born she has all the eggs she will ever have. Her two ovaries are like egg cartons filled with 100's of eggs. Any DNA she passes along comes from her eggs."

"Any DNA a male passes along comes from where?" I ask.

A quick hand shoots up, "From his sperm. Sperm carry DNA."

"That's right. And where do sperm grow in the male body?"

Answers fly: "His balls!", "His testes", "His family jewels", and then I hear it, "His gonads", "His nads."

I respond, "Yes to all of those terms. Females and males both have gonads. Both testicles and ovaries are referred to as gonads or 'nads'. The job of gonads is to form sperm or eggs - the cells necessary for sexual reproduction."

A boy asks, "Wait, wait, wait. Girls have nads?"

"Yup."

Wincing a bit he continues, "So does it hurt if they are kicked in their nads, too?"

"Yes, but not as much because Mother Nature did a fine job of protecting the egg filled-ovaries deep in the female body behind skin, muscle, fat, intestine and, from some angles, bone. It seems a bit unfair that you males only get a wee sac of skin to protect your gonads." I offer.

"It is a crime!", he declares.

Fallopian Pubes

A sixth grade boy raised his hand, "I am a bit confused about Fallopian Pubes."

"Great question, you get two for one with that one," I answered.

"Fallopian Tubes are the tiny tubes that carry eggs from the ovary to the uterus, usually there are only two of them. Pubes is a shortened or slang term for pubic hair, usually there are more than two of those," I explained.

.

Head to Toe Goes Through Puberty

Puberty From Head to Toe has gone through Puberty.

Friends alerted me to the fact that the blog's face needed some changes.

Click on the link, check out our new look, and send it on to others!

Pubertyfromheadtotoe.blogspot.com

Condomized Condiment

What a perfect time for introduction. My kids were 8, 9 and 11 years old and condoms meant nothing to them.

So, during dinner before a school music concert I said, "You guys, remember how we mentioned condoms before, well this is box of condoms."

They continued eating.

Then the 11 year old said, "I remember we saw one floating down the Cuyahoga River."

"Yes, that was a used condom," I explained pulling a new one out of the box.

"That is a condom? It looks square?" said the 9 year old.

"It is just the packaging." I explained while carefully opening the condom.

"It is a circle now," noted the 8 year old.

"Yes, it is a flat circle now. Pretend this Terryaki bottle is an erect penis - I know it looks ridiculous and huge!"

They chuckled but continued eating dinner.

I placed the condom on top of the Terriyaki bottle and unrolled it down the length of the long straight bottle.

"I can still read the label on the bottle," said the 11 year old.

"A condom is so thin that a man can feel sensation on his penis even though he has a condom on."

"Is it tight?" asked the 9 year old.

"It has to be snug enough to stay on. But look - there is plenty of space." I said sliding both hands inside the condom along side the bottle.

"What do condoms do?" I asked, hands still contained inside the condom.

"They keep the sperm from getting in the vagina so she won't get pregnant," explained the 11 year old.

"Yes, it will protect her from getting pregnant. And what else?"

"Oh, the sperm can't give her VHV(?) or HV(?), that disease that can kill you," explained the 9 year old.

"Right, if he has HIV in his semen or sperm it cannot get to her. And if she has HIV in her lubrication it can't get to him. She is protected from his fluids and he is protected from hers."

I added, "Anyone can buy condoms, males or females, at any drug store."

"I don't like the belt I have to wear tonight," said the 9 year old - moving to a new topic.

Such an appropriate response to a parent driven topic! Especially one that has no relevance in their immediate lives.

I left the condomized-condiment on the table and joined the search for a different belt.

The 'F' word

Written with my friend's permission.

Her 8 year old got off the bus and asked, "Mom, what is the 'F' word?"

She thought 'Oh, no problem. I'll just take it head on', and dove into a soliloquy of the complexities of the word 'fuck.' She explained that literally it means sexual intercourse, but it is often used when someone is mad, frustrated or wanting to insult someone else-- as in: 'fuck you' or 'fuck off.'

He listened to his mom define the word 'fuck', then said, "That is not the 'F' word."

She was perplexed as to what other 'F' words might be out there. After a few hours he remembered the word he had heard. It was faggot.

The following day he came home and asked, "What is the 'B' word?"

She thought, 'I can explain bitch no problem, especially after covering fuck and faggot yesterday.' She explained that the literal definition of bitch is a female dog, but it is often used in a negative, derogatory way to describe a girl or woman-- as in: 'that bitch' or 'she is a bitch.'

After absorbing every word his mom said, he revealed, "That is not the 'B' word."

Once again she was perplexed as to what other 'B' words might be out there. After a few hours he remembered the word he had heard. It was boner.

In two days, without hesitation, she explained fuck, faggot, bitch and boner to her 8 year old son - fully securing her place as the best resource on the block.

This is a shining example of sexuality education. Sex ed does not happen in three, forty-five minute sessions of sixth grade health. It happens continuously at home, on the bus, with peers, in movies, on TV, in songs and in parental responses.

For example, just this morning in the car I was asked, 'What is the 'C' word?'

Prostate and Penis

Is my prostate the same as my penis?" asked a 7th grade student.

"Glad you asked. They are not the same - but if a prostate has a problem it may effect the penis."

"In what way?" he asked.

"In all the ways a penis usually functions. What are three functions of a penis?" I asked.

"Urination - pee." The class offered.

"Another...?"

"Reproduction, sperm comes out."

"And a third."

"Sexual pleasure. It feels good."

"Right, and any one or all three of these can be affected if a male has prostate problems."

"Where is the prostate?" he asked.

Quickly, I sketched the male anatomy in side-view labeling the large round bladder with the urethra running out to the end of the penis.

I pointed out, "The prostate is this walnut sized gland shishkebabbed on the urethra between the bladder and the penis."

A student proclaimed, "No wonder every commercial is about prostate problems, the Good Lord placed it smack in the center of everything!"

Grind Dancing Grind

This fall I heard a freshman say she ‘felt anxious about expectations to grind' at boys high school dances.

A week later a seventh grader in one of my sex ed classes mentioned ‘getting to grind in the high school’ which furthered my interest in this topic.

So I asked a high school faculty member if he had witnessed grind dancing. He said, "Oh, yes. That is why I only elect to chaperon the Prom. They dress up and act more formal which translates to less grinding. He added that when he asked a female faculty member how the dance was a few weeks earlier she said, 'Oh, you mean Grind-fest ‘09?'

My interest in this topic as a sexuality educator expanded to interviewing more high schools, more administrators and more students. But first...


What is Grind Dancing?

Grind dancing is dancing as a couple with the female not facing the male, but with her backside to him. Grinding is then when she grinds, gyrates, and rubs her bottom against his pelvis, crotch, and penis.

He dances to meet her moves, working towards a state of arousal rocking, rubbing, grinding himself against her proffered backside. He holds her hips tight against his while she grinds out the figure eights, ups and downs, infinity signs, etc (see any grind dancing website for techniques).

Occasionally a female bends over - hands to ankles, availing her vaginal vestibule/ posterior genitalia to her partner. He continues to hold her hips and grind her with his hips/ genitals from behind mimicking sexual intercourse, anal sex, or an upright lap-dance.

All the while his view is not of her face, her smile, or her eyes, but of her posterior - her back and butt - and perhaps his male classmates grinding the backsides of their dates on the dance floor.

The overt sexism and postural domination inherent to grind dancing are overlooked by many students, however, some are horrified by it.

I don’t believe any student would chose to dominate or demean another student in public, nor would students chose to be degraded or give their power away in public if they saw it as such.

Some students state that they leave dances early or don't bother going at all because, "Everyone grinds and it is gross. It is like sex in public. Girls just let themselves be groped. If you even wanted to dance, like, regular, you would totally stand out."

The culture of grind dancing is like any other social-culture wave, it is learned and mimicked by kids younger and younger each year trying to appear older and more mature. It comes unchallenged from above, i.e. high school students learn from college students who get it from night clubs and pornography.

Thus, grind dancing is sneaking into middle school dances, bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs parties.

Teaching what grind dancing mimics, how sexist it is, how sexual it is, and what it says about you or your dance partner clarifies the issue for students and the community.
Some schools have made efforts to do just that:

One all girls school prints “No Grinding” on their tickets. The Dean of students hires a D.J. who will control the type of music played – so as not to include grind dance music. Also, the lights go on if students grind in order to stop the behavior.

A ninth grade girl from that school told me that in health class they discuss how grind dancing ‘gives away their power’. She also said that at the boys’ school dances girls feel awkward and pressured to grind – because even though they talk about how it is sexist and demoralizing at her school, the boys' school has no policy and they expect it and there are no rules to stop it from happening there.

A large public high school sent home a letter stating there is to be no grind dancing at dances. ‘If you grind, you go’ is their policy and they work hard on sticking to it. If students grind, parents or guardians are contacted and offenders are sent home. The student counsel played a role in establishing the policy of no grinding.

Another all girls school writes no grinding everywhere: on tickets, on guest contracts, and in their handbook. The following are notes from my conversation with the Dean: ‘We makes it clear why grind dancing is not a school behavior. Such behavior is for a committed relationship and should be done in private. It is something you would not do in front of your parents, and it is not something you would do at a school sanctioned event. We administrators choose a DJ for the dances who will play a variety of music in order to avoid the grind music –which is often filled with misogynistic lyrics. Last year I did an assembly about grind dancing— to shed light on its demeaning and overly sexual nature. Our directors of the upper school meet with students before each dance, and recently we have asked parents to chaperon dances.’

An all boys Catholic school Dean told me that some dances have over 1500 students and it is hard for the chaperons to manage what is happening. The school has a Statement of Policy regarding behavior which everyone attending a dance must sign. It states that, ‘Dirty-dancing, particularly grinding, will not be allowed. All dancing will be face-to-face.”


The question begs - Why do some schools not have grind dance policies in place?


6 Thoughts About Grind Dancing from a Sexuality Educator’s Perspective

1) Examining the reversed-gender equivalent behavior would be a boy servicing a girl. It might appear as a boy fondling a girl’s breasts and rubbing her crotch in order to arouse her, turn her on, in public. That is the neurological, erotic equivalent of what is happening to a boy while grind dancing. It is difficult to imagine that equivalent behavior going unchecked at a dance.

2) What kind of sexual contact, sexual behavior is appropriate at a school-sanctioned dance? Sexual contact can be defined as any mutual, willful, physical contact that arouses or is intended to arouse sexual/ erogenous feelings, (see Debra Roffman, Sex and Sensibility). Kissing seems rated G compared to underage genital grinding which is rated somewhere between R and porn.

3) Parents and schools need to respect boys and girls enough to raise awareness and shed light on this degrading, inconsiderate behavior, as other schools have done.

4) How does a high school freshman boy and his freshman date navigate a dance where grind dancing is happening? Is he expected to grind dance with her? If not what should he do with her? Does she want to do that with him? Does he expect her to?

5) Theory and practice need both be in place. A no grind dancing policy stands like a fence – a reminder of trespassing or crossing of a line. For unfortunate faculty members who are theoretically ‘in loco parentis’ at dances, it is overwhelming to censor grind dancing as a parent would. Yet, if a policy against grind dancing existed, the onus and decision making would not be on the chaperones, but on the students.

6) As a middle school sexuality educator, I view puberty as such a fledgling-like stage of life. I am protective of the space that let’s kids be kids for as long as possible.
Where are the rights of passage if grinding is an option and expectation at fourteen or fifteen?
Gone is the need for basic, respectful manners with a date: how to open the door, how to hold your arm, how to have eye contact, how to navigate conversation, or how to –for the first time- hold hands.
Are we ready to forget all that?
Are we ready to avoid all that connecting and communicating?

Cheers to the students who recognize the power and purpose of dancing wildly or romantically face-to-face.

Gay Respect

I recently spoke with a handful of college seniors, all male and most of them gay. I asked them their thoughts on how I should respond when middle school students ask about gay sexuality.

A man who looked remarkably like Ben Affleck answered, "Simply say to them, 'I respect my gay friends too much to speak on their behalf.'"

Wow - that nailed it. So I went on to ask these senior college males about their middle school sex ed classes:

Q: "Do you recall hearing anything that was helpful in those middle school years -or what would have been helpful to hear from your middle school sex ed teacher?"

A: "Tell them that in gay sexual experiences they need to use protection. Yes, we know the world refers to it as birth control - clearly it is not 'birth control' we need- rather protection: Condoms, Common Sense and Communication.'


Q: "Did you know you were gay in middle school?"

A: "I just knew I was a bit different - there was just something different about the way I felt."


Q: "What should I include or say to a middle school sex ed class? -- since statistically speaking 10% of those students are gay."

A: "Let them know that it can be hard not knowing what is different about yourself and that once you figure it out - be at peace. (Laugh) They won't be - but they should."

5 Reasons it is Essential to Define Sexual Intercourse Aloud in Class

Why is it essential to define 'sex' and ‘sexual intercourse’ aloud in class?

1) Because using words about sexuality in front of others is shame-removing, educational, gripping and real.

2) We define sexual intercourse early in class because of the way it is consistently defined in our culture. It is a challenge to use non-male centered language. Almost without fail students, parents, and adults define sexual intercourse as a male driven event: ‘he puts’, ‘he inserts’, ‘he penetrates’, ‘the penis goes in’, ‘his penis enters', etc. vs. 'she puts her vagina over', 'her vagina covers', 'she slides her vagina over', 'she mounts', 'she fits her vagina over' etc.

3) By defining sexual intercourse as an act initiated by, participated in, planned by, and pleasurable for BOTH parties involved, hopefully students will view it as such in their lives.

4) We define these terms in order to separate them from what class is about. It is not a class about 'sex' – which is gender. Nor is it a class about 'sexual intercourse', an act which occasionally takes the whole class to define (see previous post for 6th, 7th and 8th grade definitions of sexual intercourse). It is a sex ed class about emerging identity, about who we are becoming in this world, sexuality education.

5) These definitions, along with the guidelines (see Getting Though the Guidelines -January entry), allow the class to move into murky territory with defined footholds. Once the vague term 'sex' is no longer used to refer to anything but gender new clearer language emerges, like: sexual contact, sexual intimacy, sexual behavior, sexual abuse, oral sex, anal sex and on and on.

-----
P.S. For inspired guidance and grounded rationale behind talking to your kids from Kindergarten to Graduate School about topics around sexuality read Debra Roffman’s:

Sex as Sensibility, The Thinking Parents Guide to Talking Sense about Sex

But How’d I Get There in the First Place

She clearly maps out what to say about sex and sexual intercourse and any other imaginable sexual topic at any age.

Presented in Triptych: 6th, 7th and 8th grade answers to ‘What is Sexual Intercourse?’

Preface: before every class a student draws a yin yang on the board to symbolize equality, balance and equal representation.


6th Grade

“What is sexual intercourse?” I pose to the class.

Out of the corner of my eye I see fingers thrusting in and out of cuffed fists.

"Can someone put some words to this gesture?" I ask, performing the same movement between finger and cuffed fist.

A student attempts, “It is when a man and a woman touch?”

“Good start with the man and the woman. Can anyone add to that? Sexual intercourse is a whole lot more than just touching.” I offer and point to the yin yang symbol on the board.

Quickly a student blurts out, “It is penis in the vagina.”

Another offers, “It is America’s favorite past time!”

We all howl.

“What happens? What's going on with a man and a woman in the act of sexual intercourse?” I ask.

A student states, “A man and a woman are attracted to each other and they kiss and hug and he gets an erection and semen and sperm shoot out of his urethra when he has ah, ah, an orgy, and the sperm goes up into her uvula.”

“Thank you, well done. Let’s review some of those terms. A few were close to the proper terms –some just a bit off. When you used the word 'orgy' did you mean 'orgasm'?”

“Oh, yes.” He nods.

“Orgasm is a full body pleasurable experience at the peak of sexual arousal. But the term you used was ‘orgy’ which is a term for group-sex." I explain. "Orgy and orgasm do sound alike at the start there. Also, you said that sperm travels up to her uvula. Did you mean uterus?”

He nods, ”Oh, yeah.”

“We all have uvulas – right here, hanging in the back of the throat. Ahhh. But only females have a uterus." I explain. "Thanks again."

I continue pointing to the yin yang."There is one HUGE thing no one in the class mentioned. What happens to her? You said he gets an erection - but what about her? Keep the balance of the yin yang in mind here. What happens to her body when she is aroused?"

“She widens? Like, opens?” One student tried.

“Not that. Something happens to the walls of her vagina.” I say holding up a cuffed fist.

“She gets wet?” Someone says.

“Yes, whoever said that, say it again.” I say scanning the class.

“She gets wet.” Shy- guy offers again.

“Yes, her vaginal walls respond to her feelings of arousal by naturally lubricating. Let's chant it three times."

"Lubrication! Lubrication! Lubrication!”



7th Grade

"What is Sexual Intercourse?" I ask the 7th graders, pointing to the yin yang as a subtle equality, balance and equal representation reminder.

Five or six students start thrusting index fingers in and out of cuffed fists.

A few students burst out:
"When a man and a woman are attracted to each other."
"It is making babies. Reproduction."
"Penis in the vagina is sexual intercourse."

Another student, "It is when a man and a woman really love each other - and, can I just say they are married?"

I nod. He continues," And they get together, anytime of the night or day...ah, can we go to someone else?"

"No problem, thanks for your contribution."

The next hand up continues, "It is when a married man and woman, anytime of the night or day - preferably in bed...ah, can you go to someone else?"

"Thanks for your contribution. Who can continue with the definition?"

Suddenly a boy is up on his feet swaying, saying, "It is when a man and a woman get together and he does body actions and she does body actions. And he gets aroused and she gets aroused."

"Great job, keep going." I cheer him on, wondering if 'body-actions' is his term for foreplay.

Still swaying he answers,"He gets a boner - an erection and he puts it in - "

I interrupt him. “No, not yet. Not yet - not yet. What happens to both of their bodies when they get aroused?" I pointing again to the yin yang.

Body-actions-student still swaying says, "He is aroused with an erection and she, ah? she?... ah, a little help here you guys."

No one chimes in, so I say, "When he is aroused blood flows down there and his penis gets erect. When she is aroused blood flows down there on her body and what happens?"

Blank faces.

"I am sure someone here is thinking something." I encourage.

A student says, "She opens up?"

Another student tries, "She inflates!" The image of the swift and massive inflation of a frog's throat flashes through my mind.

"Good try, but no. What do you think goes on in her vagina?"

Quietly in the front row, "She moistens?"

"Yes! That is right. Did you all hear that? Say it again."

He boldly states, "Her vagina moistens."

Pointing to the yin yang I say, "The term we use for boner or hard-on is erection. The term we'll use for her moistening is lubricate - her vaginal walls naturally lubricate."

Then, using their own non-verbal 'terms', I slide a cuffed fist over a pointed finger with only the cuff moving, not the finger.

Body-actions-student picks up on my clue, stammers a bit and says, "So his penis is erect and her vagina is lubricated and she - puts -her- vagina -over his penis!" He finishes with arms -in- the-air-flare.

A few students understand, others don't have a sense of closure, so he adds, "That is it, his penis is in the vagina."

The rest of the class cheers.



8th Grade

"What is sexual intercourse?" I ask the 8th graders as I point to the yin yang symbol.

Silence. A few giggles.

A hand is up, "Penis in the vagina."

"Thanks for giving it a stab. It is much more than that. More of a paragraph. Let's add on to what he started.”

Another hand goes up. "OK, it is when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina."

"Thanks for being brave and speaking up. It is much more than that." I explain and point-point to both sides of the ever-present yin yang symbol of balance and equality on the board. "What we have defined so far could be rape." I point to both sides of the yin yang again.

A student fires out. "So, it is when a man and a woman BOTH decide to do it."

"Great start - but what is 'it'? What is sexual intercourse?" I ask again.

Another student in resigned fashion says, "Hmmm. OK everyone. A man and a woman are attracted to each other and they both get horny. Hmmm."

The whole class turns to me wide eyed.

"Great job, continue," I say pointing to the yin yang.

"Hmmm. So they are both horny and they start making out and exploring each others' bodies. Hmmm."

I nod and keep pointing to the yin yang.

"Hmmm. Then his penis gets hard and she...her nipples get hard. Hmmm."

Other students are wide eyed, squirming, loving it.

"Great job. Keep going," I can't believe how much he sounds, Hmmm, like a Barry White song.

"Hmmm. Then after exploring each others' bodies, his penis is erect and she is wet. Hmmm."

"Keep going. Way to include both male and female every step of the way," I add and point again to the yin yang symbol.

"Hmmm. Then when they are both ready, he enters his penis in her vagina - while she puts her vagina over his penis. Then they both cuuuummm. Hmmm."

Applause.

"Well done. Great job." I offer through the unending applause.

"Let's review a few of the terms he used. Some might be new to you or not: horny, hard nipples, wet, cum."

“Bring it!” I hear from the back of the room.

Cleveland Steamer

Today my nine year old came home from school and asked, “What is a Cleveland Steamer?”

In an instant my mind experienced an explosive freak out, mourned the loss of innocence, then calmly verbalized, “Did it come up today in school?”

A quick aside. The website urban dictionary.com defines a Cleveland Steamer as – well, let me just lift the top three definitions straight from the site itself…

1) A sexual act where one takes a giant, steamy shit on a girl's chest, then titty fucks her.

2) It's when you take a shit on a girls chest and slide it around.

3) A cleveland steamer is where (often in the act of a breakup) you have sex with someone, wait for them to fall asleep, take a huge shit on their chest, and leave.

OK. Back to my 71 pound fourth grader’s question about this act…

He said, “Yeah, it came up today. Joe was singing something about having a Cleveland Steamer on his chest. When I asked about it he said that he saw it on you tube but he didn’t say what it was.”

I said, “A Cleveland Steamer is something gross that loving people do not do to each other. It refers to a sexual or rather abusive act that is hard to even tell you about because it makes no sense. It is when someone goes poop on a woman’s breasts.”

His face showed flat out confusion. “Why would anyone do that?”

“It is awful- it makes no sense. I think Joe is watching things on the computer that are inappropriate for a fourth grader.” I added.

“Yea, that’s, like, weird.” he said.

I explained, “When you are young and start going through puberty, your body changes and your thoughts change, too. Seeing new things and hearing about different behaviors may seem exciting and appealing. But when it comes to sexual behavior it is important to start from the beginning.
“Like, - first just talk to someone you like, then maybe hold their hand or ask them to dance with you – and maybe even kiss them - and on and on from there. But looking at websites and watching bizarre sexual acts on the computer can make a huge impact on your mind. You know, the biggest sexual organ in your body is your mind. And images are so impactful.
“I want you to have positive, healthy sexual experiences in life. Not fringy, dangerous and abusive ones. Positive healthy ones that start with communicating like this.”

“OK.” He said and I heard that smile in his voice, the one that sounds like relief.

Prom Prep for Parents

Prom season approaches. This night of 'playing grown up' is loaded with baggage, expectations and tons of fun.

Your Teen, a magazine for parents asked for an article about how to talk to your kids about Prom and Sex.

My response was, "Really, that's about 10 years too late."

But they were good and persisted by saying, "We know, but still, what would you say!"

Below is the link to Your Teen and the article titled 'Dress/Tux, Limo, Pictures – Did We Forget Anything? Talk To Your Prom Kids About Sex.'

http://yourteenmag.com/2010/04/prom-sex/

VOTE

Please open the link below and VOTE. "Let's Talk About Sex"is film maker James Houston's effort to get this message out through real stories and shocking facts.

http://www.refresheverything.com/letstalkaboutsexthefilm

I don't use videos in sex ed class, but this is one I would feature.

Masters of Their Own Universe

It impresses me again and again, as with this coed 6th grade class, how sex ed exposes students to varying stages of development in unscripted ways. Some students are masters of their own universe while others have no idea what is out there.

Before class began a student had his hand up, “Can you get AIDS from a sperm bank?”

“That is a great question. I want to explain two things: first, a person doesn't 'get' AIDS, rather they can get 'infected' with HIV which may lead to AIDS. HIV can be transmitted from person to person in semen, which is the fluid surrounding sperm. Second thing, similar to the precautions taken in a blood bank, sperm is screened and tested before it is accepted into a sperm bank. So the over all hope is that you won’t get HIV or consequently AIDS from a sperm bank.”

A concerned student asked, “Wait, can you get HIV from masturbating?”

“Nope, that is a solo event.” I reassured.

He looked relieved but his friend next to him looked confused. Up went his hand, “What is, ah, masturbation?”

“It is sexually pleasuring oneself -- stimulating oneself sexually to the point of orgasm.” I answered.

Wide eyed, he glanced at his friend, who brought up this whole topic and asked, “That’s even possible?”

I answered, “Yes, it is.”

A girl in the front of the class stood up and demanded, “Is it possible for females and males?”

I said, “ Yes, it is possible for females and males.”

She continued, “OK, then how is it done?”

“Through self discovery. For females and males alike it is all self discovery.”

Head to Toe in Headlines

While I was out of town Puberty from Head to Toe made news in The Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Plain Dealer-sex-ed blog can be lol funny

Reporter Angela Townsend was bold about some of the blog details she included like the question of whether 8th grade girls can walk around squirting milk. I was thrilled to see reflected the positive, open approach best suited for sex ed. I appreciated what she commented on at the end - how our sexuality is a life long ordeal. It is.

While away I saw author/ college speaker/researcher/comedian/ Inn keeper Cindy Pierce perform. She is face-cramping hilarious and her research strengthens my resolve in the positive purpose behind teaching sex ed. Her show is a good training session for all sex ed teachers.

As of late, her research is with college aged students and their sex lives. She presents programs to college students where through riotous storytelling she enlightens them to take a closer look at the negative impact of Internet porn and how it interferes with developing healthy ideas about sex. By the end of Cindy's show the audience is emboldened to laugh about and discuss aloud these usually unmentionable topics.


http://www.campuspeak.com/speakers/pierce;
www.cindy-pierce.com;
www.findingthedoorbell.com;

As a sex ed teacher I pick up on the message threaded through her book and her performance: What happens in stripper and porn culture eventually happens in college culture which trickles down to high school culture and then into middle school culture.

These trends are everywhere - in music, dance style (grind dancing), shaving trends (fully shaved vulva and male pubic sculpting), surgical trends like labiaplasty (surgery performed to trim labia), fashion trends (thongs for elementary school girls), and eventually in the form of a question in sex ed class where I hope I am ready.




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Superheroes of the Scrotum

Last summer I ran into some old students at a BBQ - 6 years ago I taught them sex ed.

One of the guys I recall as being a shy 6th grader said, "I remember you teaching about the Superheroes who live in my scrotum."

We howled! It is so true. The scrotal muscles do have amazing names and they perform amazing feats. How heart-warming to hear an old student recall tid-bits from 6th grade 'Life Skills' class.

Most recently that scrotum lesson went something like this....

"The scrotum, often called the ball sac, hangs behind the penis, between the legs and holds the testicles. Most males are born with two testicles. Believe it or not, I have some friends who were born with just one testicle."

A few eyebrows raised then a student asked, "How many testicles do boys grow in puberty?"

"Good question. They don't grow any more testicles. The ones they have get a bit bigger. Do you know why the testicles are on the outside of the body?"

"So that you can feel them get bigger?" a student offered.

"That is a benefit, indeed. But the real reason is that in order to make healthy sperm the testicles need to be a little bit cooler than normal body temperature. Which is...?"

"98.6 degrees!" they yelled confidently.

"Right! So Mother Nature cleverly hangs the testicles outside of the body to keep them cool."

Hands drifted under the desks, perhaps to check the temp.

"The most exciting thing about the scrotum is the names of the muscles within. They are Superheros!"

The students' eyes and ears were wide open.

In my best Superhero voice, imaginary cape waving in the wind, I announced, "Together these muscles PROTECT! UNITE! ELEVATE! EXPAND! and LOWER! the scrotum and testicles in times of temperature change."

"But first, how many of you have ever gone swimming in really cold water and found your testicles all snug up against your body?"

"Oh, yeah. They are like way up here!" a number students declared with accompanying gestures.

"That is the job, the duty, the purpose of Dartos and Cremaster - the Superheros of the scrotum! The Dartos muscle contracts the scrotum making it small and tight or expand the scrotum making it or loose and low. While the Cremaster muscle raises or lowers the testicles within the scrotum. Say these amazing names aloud."

"Dartos and Cremaster!" they yelled striking Hulk-like poses.

On the way out of class I heard two students debating, "For Halloween which one do you want to be Sir Dartos or Master Cremaster?"





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Like Caviar

By the end of a sex ed unit we have traveled far as a class, yet for some through thicker fog than others.

We finished the male anatomy - wet dreams, orgasms, masturbation and ejaculation on the last day of the 7th grade sex ed unit. At the end of class a few boys lingered around with questions.

One boy asked, “So what is up with masturbation – OK? Yes or No?”

“You asked that well. I cannot answer it with a yes or no. Some cultures, some religions, some families have strong feelings about it,” I said.

But I went on, “As we mentioned in class, males and females are both capable of masturbation - both capable of having an orgasm. I wish I could mention in class that it does not harm one physically. I wish I could mention in class that it lets one be knowledgeable about their potential for sexual pleasure. I wish I could answer that question with a Yes or No.”

He smiled, gave me a ‘thumbs up’ and left the room.

Another boy asked, “If a girl runs out of eggs can she still masturbate?”

"I am not sure what you are asking?" I replied, wondering if he really was interested in a menopausal woman's ability to masturbate?

“Well, if every time a girl masturbates and an egg comes out - won't she, like, run out of eggs?” he reasoned.

The boy next to him offered, “Dude, she doesn't, like, fire one out each time she masturbates.”

Picking it up from there, I explained, “Sperm comes out of a male’s penis when he masturbates. Eggs don't come out of a female - like caviar - when she masturbates. She only releases one egg per month, whether she masturbates or not.”

That question cleared up, he had another, “OK, so if the clitoris is where a female has sexual pleasure - where does that happen on a male?”

“His penis.”



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The Backcountry Vagina: Our Private Parts in the Back Woods

For years I worked as an instructor at the North Carolina Outward Bound School (NCOBS) in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Like many other instructors, I enjoyed helping in the base camp kitchen between working courses in the wilderness with students. I also had a crush on the cook.

One day helping the cook (who was also an instructor) make cookies, Paul, an instructor, arrived in the kitchen.
"We have a student in the field with a yeast infection. Do we have any cranberry juice?" he asked.

The sex ed teacher in me surfaced,"Wait a second, Paul. Cranberry juice can be helpful with urinary tract infections, not yeast infections. They happen in totally different holes - different systems all together."

Paul, a handsome, proper, English-accented, Malaysian- famed for stating the only way he'd receive a full body massage would be in full length long underwear - was speechless.

I called him over to the enormous, buttered cookie sheet in front of the cook and me, "Time for a quick lesson in female anatomy."

"Oh, goodness, " he groaned.

I started drawing on the greasy, industrial sized cookie sheet with my finger. "This is the side view of a female. Here in the back, this hole is the anus." I drew a capital 'A'.
"In front of that is another hole, the vagina." I drew a capital 'V'.
"In front of that hole is a tiny hole, the urethra." I drew a capital 'U'.
"And last- but not least, in the very front - the bundle of flesh wired for sexual pleasure - the clitoris." I drew a capital 'C.'
"An easy way to remember it all is CUVA: clitoris, urethra, vagina, anus. CUVA."

Paul exhaled.

I continued, "The environment in the vagina is a perfect balance between yeast and bacteria. If the balance is upset, yeast can overgrow - which is what we call a yeast infection. In wilderness medical terms this is not an emergency. It is an itchy, uncomfortable hassle! Offering someone with a yeast infection sweet cranberry juice won't treat it- if fact, the yeast may feast on the sugar and grow even more."

"Oh, dear," Paul managed.

Moving on, I pointed and said, "This hole is the urethra which leads to the bladder. A urinary tract infection, a UTI, in wilderness medical terms needs to be treated right away. The bacteria want to ascend, climb up higher - up the urethra, up into the bladder and maybe even up to the kidneys. UTI symptoms are different from those of a yeast infection. Someone with a UTI has pain and burning when they pee, which is compounded by a frequent urge to pee - like every 20 minutes. They need to be seen by a doctor and get on antibiotics ASAP."

I turned to Paul, pointed my butter covered finger at the crowd behind him and said,"Check it out Paul, you are not alone. This information needs to get out."

These wilderness instructors were interested in clarification of what is what down there.

As a result, I taught a seminar called 'The Backcountry Vagina: Our Private Parts in the Deep Woods' to instructors at NCOBS all-staff-trainings for years to come.

I also ended up marrying the cook.



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It comes out white?

Occasionally defining sexual intercourse with a class of 6th graders is a hilarious ride.

A student was bravely sharing his version of what sexual intercourse is, when he got to the part of ejaculation, and like many others, he said ‘and then sperm comes out’.

I stopped him and added, “Another term for sperm is semen."

It may sound like splitting hairs to some, but I want this bodily fluid, so famously connected to HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, introduced as early as possible.

I continued, "It refers to the teeny, tiny swimming sperm themselves and the fluid in which they swim. It is key for sperm to be in fluid or they would not be able to travel, like a tadpole on a pool-table. Rough journey.”

The students made grueling noises as they mimicked armless tadpoles adhering to surfaces.

I continued, “Semen comes out of the hole in the end of the penis, the urethra. Semen is white and sort of the consistency of sticky, watery yogurt.”

A student’s hand was up, “It comes out white?”

“Yes, it is white. It wouldn't be a good sign if it came out green or yellow or brown.”

A student added, “What if it came out like Aquafresh – stripped!”



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Porn and Middle School -the cart before the horse

We were reviewing CUVA: all the female parts of the vulva, and the anus.
The students identified 'C' for clitoris, and correctly described it as the bundle of tissue and nerves designed for sexual pleasure.
They had a hard time with the 'U'. First identifying it as uvula, Uranus, uterus, and finally, correctly, as urethra. When I asked what structure is above the urethra, they yelled, "Bladder!"
They got 'V' for vagina right away, so I asked, " What organ is above the vagina?"
A student answered, "The pituitary."
I said, "The pituitary gland is in the center of the brain. I was not aiming that high; the uterus was the answer I was looking for."
Lastly, the 'A', they got right away, anus. When I pointed above the anus they all said, "Intestines."

A hand was up, "Can you get someone pregnant from anal sex?"
This is a question commonly asked by middle school boys.

Referring to our drawing of the female anatomy, I pointed to the anus and explained, "No. Everything above the anus has to do with production and elimination of waste. Poop. Nothing up here has to do with reproduction, pregnancy or babies."

Another hand went up, "Wait. Why would someone have anal sex? What is that?"

I was about to answer when a student said, "It's pleasurable."

My momentum instantly split in three directions: I released the day's lesson plan, grabbed a few assumptions as to why a 7th grader would say anal sex is 'pleasurable', and started damage control. Many of the boys had not heard of anal sex, and students sometimes take their classmate's word as gospel.

I said, "One of our class guidelines is, 'Please let me answer all questions', for just this reason. Anal sex is when a man puts his erect penis in someone else's anus - another man's or woman's anus. If it happens to a child - if it has happened or is happening to you- it is rape. It is a crime. Tell a trustworthy adult right away. For consenting adults anal sex is a different issue. Anal sex in your lives now is illegal. Not pleasurable."

Silence. Let it soak in.

Refreshing, appropriate 7th grade responses of "G-ross!" "No way!" "Who'd ever?" and "Disgusting!" surfaced.

Then a front row student leaned to his neighbor and said, "Then why do they always seem to enjoy it?"

I asked him what he meant. He would not say. I reminded him that this class is where these questions can be asked and answered.
Finally his neighbor spilled the beans, "He wants to know why they seem to enjoy anal sex on sex tapes and videos and stuff."

Boom. There it is. Porn is in their lives.

Momentum directed I slowly began.

"I hope for you all, each one of you, in your lives - in your futures - you will have positive sexual experiences. I hope they are filled with beauty and grace and connection. Those are magical aspects of a loving, equal, sexual relationship (point point to the ever-present yin yang symbol on the board representing equality, fairness and balance for all things discussed in our sex ed class and beyond). Since the topic has been raised, however, I want to talk about pornography."

Silence.

"X-rated is an older term for pornography. 'Porn' is short for pornography. Porn is sexually explicit material - like videos, websites, magazines, or music - meant to be sexually arousing. Maybe you have heard the term internet-porn or pornsite which refers to websites and..a..stuff like..(I purposefully hesitate here)..."

Sure enough, one student offers 'banging uglies', another offers 'xhamster'.

I nod, as if in thanks - when it is actually a blow, and go on.

"So this porn, pornography, or sex tapes as someone mentioned - you watch on your...(again a purposeful hesitation here)..."

Again the students offer: 'my itouch', 'a computer', 'on TV'.

Again I nod and continue with the 7th graders, "Pornography often shows sexual acts that are not within normal limits of sexual behavior. This is misleading as far as what to expect from yourself or your partner. Its display of people's responsiveness is unrealistic; these people are acting. What they are engaged in, what they are saying and how they express themselves is not real. Pornography is visual and can have quite an impact on your mind. The biggest sex organ in your body is your brain. Not your penis! Your brain.

They laugh. Some rub their heads.

I go on, "A few of you might, but many of you don't have girlfriends or crushes yet. Some of you have not had erections yet - based on questions asked in class last week. And today's class revealed gaps in anatomical basics, curiosity about anal sex as a form of birth control and/or pleasure and pornography's presence in your lives. At your age, you guys, watching pornography is putting the cart before the horse."

"What does that mean?" A student asks.

I continue, " It means things are not happening in the proper order. Place a cart before a horse, and nothing happens; a cart cannot pull a horse. But, put the horse in front of the cart, in the proper order, and everything goes more smoothly."

"Exposing your early sexual self to porn may be harmful to your future of sexual intimacy. There is a huge range, a wide spectrum, of sexual intimacy out there. Start at the beginning and it will all go more smoothly. OK, for example, imagine talking to the person you have a crush on, or holding that person's hand, or putting your arm over their shoulder - or imagine that person's arm over your shoulder. YOU navigate sexual intimacy WITH your willing partner, (point point to the yin yang). Let your mind and body and sense of limitations be your guides - not a pornsite."

I see a few smiles.

"OK. I hope you get what I am saying. Pornographic images can create unrealistic expectations of what you should be interested in sexually. Images that can influence how you believe you should behave sexually. Images that may shape how you think a sexual partner should respond to you sexually, what a partner is willing to do sexually, or how a partner should look.”

They are saturated. I need to finish.

"The yin yang symbol is always on our board - thanks for drawing a new one each day. As your sex ed teacher, my hope is that it becomes indelibly etched on your mind as a reminder of the balance and equality of sexual intimacy.”

All eyes move to the yin yang.

"It is widely agreed that pornography portrays females in demeaning, degrading and damaging ways. It objectifies women, who in most cases have had their bodies altered - especially their labia and breasts. Studies have shown boys and men who watch porn develop more abusive and negative attitudes towards women; let that not be a single one of you."

"Keep that BIG SEX ORGAN in mind, your brain, and how it is easily influenced by images. When it comes to actual sexual intimacy with a real person, listen to your body, your mind and reason. And.."

I point point to the yin yang.

Class ended.

I felt preachy but I felt lucky, lucky that we got to navigate the red-flag comment of -"anal sex is pleasurable”- as a class.

Erasing the board I smiled to myself at how much a yin yang looks like 69.



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